The Brazilian Job

It was a Tuesday night in San Diego and I was out at the bars celebrating moving into my new place with one of my female room mates and her friends. The night was set to be a taco Tuesday adventure.

Many of the bars in San Diego have drink and food specials(tacos obviously) on Tuesdays to get students and young professionals out and in the "spending mood." With deals like "$3 you-call-its" or "$5 endless tacos," you don't exactly have to twist anyone's arm to get out and have fun.

We started our night off at a few of the slower pace and lounge-type drinking holes, each of us gulping down a number of drinks at each bar before ending up at a place called Typhoon. Typhoon is a bar made for "the younger crowd." When I say younger I mean 16-20 year-olds with fake ID's or girls who are of age but act as though they're 16-20.

This place is tricky, most of the girls are incredibly attractive, but also incredibly unapproachable. This is a venue where girls want to have a "girls night out" where they will spend the evening dancing and drinking exclusively with each other or a select group of guys they already know. The hassle of talking with men they haven't met before is clearly a foreign concept. This is also happens to be home of the most damning, awkward, and effortless of rejection-moves. In fact it was born and named by me in this very bar.

The art of giving "the San Diego spin" is unmistakably the most awkward way to tell a guy "I'm not interested." Picture a somewhat crowded beach bar, a man spots one or more females not talking to anyone. While taking one last sip of his drink, the man conjures up a bit of courage and sets off on a approach in attempts to start a duologue. The first "line" is delivered with style and enthusiasm and normally after that it's assumed the girl with respond in one of two ways; she likes it or hates. If she likes it she responds positively and make's an effort at a retort.

In this town, if they don't like what they're hearing, they might unleash a "San Diego Spin." Imagine a brief blank stare as if to say "I don't speak english," they may even give that look at each other and without speaking a work. Then silently as if it was rehearsed and choreographed in a dance studio filled with mirrors meant for Russian ballet prodigies, they silently turn 180 degrees. Often this half spin can be seen coupled with an eye roll.

I'd like to think of it as walking up to shake someone's hand and having them turn to fart on it rather than reciprocate the gesture. I could also liken it to an ostrich burring its head in the sand. The assumption is made that the guy will leave because it appears that he is longer in sight. It makes for an especially awkward moment for the guy given the silence and lack of explanation for turning away his efforts to have a conversation. More interesting, although the girl thinks she's just asserted her "power-move," she leaves herself into a further strange situation if she turns around too soon and he's still just standing there.

Now I've tried every line to combat the "San Diego Spin":
-"do you hear better when you face that way?"
-"I normally charge $30 to braid hair, tell you what I'll braid half for free ok?"
-"I think the back of you looks great too, that's pretty much why I came over here."
-"This is an odd way of asking me to dance, I like your style."
Etc... all of which have failed to elicit a reaction. But I digress... back to Typhoon itself,

It's a relatively spacious venue with seating in the front, it even has an open area for people smoking cigarettes at booths or smaller tables. There are a total of four bars within this place, two separate bar stations in the front and two in the back. Typhoon, like any "beach-bar/club" is loud, dark, and packed especially with on the tiny dance floor. The music selection is pretty consistently euro-pop, 80's rock/dance music, and on occasion rap. Spot lights with reds and pinks swirl around the inside lending itself to a crowd that does a lot of fist pumping and high-fiving.

The group of six of us stroll is lightly buzzed around 10. We snake our way through the crowd to the back of the establishment and eventually post up on bar stools behind the bar beside the dance floor. I make an effort to continue conversing with my room mate but I start to get tired of competing with the volume of the music just be having "chit-chat." Yelling over a Micheal Jackson song, I lean into my room mate Allison, "You'll have to excuse me, I'm going wonder around for a bit." Just before leaving I turn to see the entire group not actually speaking to each other but bobbing their heads to music and sipping drinks.

I get back towards the front of bar in hopes of finding myself a cigarette but not before downing a beer, a shot, and a few sips of a mixed drink.

Fairly quickly, I manage get a cigarette as the drinks start to catch up with me. I start a few conversations and I wind up talking with random girls here and there. I spot the girls that want guys to buy them drinks all night. These girls are usually spotted by the look of annoyance on their faces that denotes the fact that they don't want to talk, they just want the drinks you're supposed to be buying for them already. "Will you buy me and my friends shots?" I laugh and move on.

A few more double jack & cokes later I'm feeling the alcohol take effect. By this point, I've made a few quality exchanges and I even ended up running into one of my wingmen and his friends. We came to an agreement that this bar was not going to produce a quality night and if we were to succeed, we would have our best chances at the bar across the street. As we set off towards the front of the bar to exit, I attempt to finish my drink while walking. Only a mere 10 steps from the front door, a gorgeous girl with long chestnut brown hair steps in my way.
With a thick Brazilian accent she drapes her hand over my neck, "Why are you leaving so soon?" she gazes deeply into my eyes then strikes a half a smirk.

I was nearly dumbfounded that anyone would decide to pick me out of a crowd, much less this girl. It was absolutely worth a minute of my time.
"I'm going to the bar across the street with some friends," I say looking at her her and turning my head towards the bar to see that my friends hadn't waited for me. "But I guess you just gave me a reason stick around."

"You have to speak a little slower," She says smiling looking me up and down, "my English is not, erm, a very good yet. You are a very cute!" She says starting to laugh and bite her lip.
I start to laugh at the absurdity of the situation, she's 5'7, maybe 110 lbs, exotic Brazilian, she's got long light brown hair with dark mysterious eyes. Her body is practically perfect, all the right curves fitting into skin tight jeans and a low cut shirt.

"Amazing," I think and may have said out loud.

"Hey here is my friend, she is from Brazil with me." The cute girl says taking me by the hand pulling me a few feet to further from the door. I glance over and see a woman that looks like a toad with red hair that might as well be ten years older. She looks rough.

Time passes as we start to talk about where we're from and how we ended up in San Diego. The cute girl's name is Stephanie and she's here studying. After another minute of chatting the two girls begin to talk in Portuguese.

"I wish I knew what you kids were saying," I say trying to smile while scratching my head. The older one seems to have an agenda and I can't tell if she's mad, wants to leave, likes me, etc.

I start to ask her about the program she's in and while in mid sentence she locks eyes with me, I lose my train of thought and she leans in closing her eyes. Time slows down like scene in the movie big fish: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=DEeO6wli8-I&feature=related We start to kiss for a few minutes. I'm not sure how it happened but it just did.

Another minute of brief conversation separated by more kissing goes by and I am in disbelief how easy this is. As we continue to talk and kiss I start to notice an older man in his mid 60's posted up at the side of the bar watching us out of the corner of his eye. I turn us slightly to get a better angle, at first I thought he was just perving on young people at a beach bar, but it seemed like more than that.

It was also clear that he was unmistakeably out of place in this bar. There wasn't a soul there besides him that was over the age of 25. As the conversation heats up, I start to keep one of my eyes open mid kiss to watch the old man walk up to the roommate and exchange words before going back to his spot by the bar. Something isn't right.

Pulling away slowly from a very long passionate kiss, Stephanie looks into my eyes and says softly, "I want to have a sex with you, emm, for eight hours. Right now."
Alarms are going off in my head. This girl seems to be completely blown away by me and wants to get crazy right away. I'm no day at the beach, but I'd like to think I'm a reasonably good looking guy who has it in him to get into something like this every once in a while. Yet there is clearly something going on.

"I want a sex with all of your body." she says gently biting her lower lip.

I start to laugh a little, "I live less than two blocks away, we could easily walk to my house right now and maybe be back here before the bar closes." I start sliding my hands down her lower back to discover there's definitely a reason people google the term "Brazilian ass.

"Wow, you've got a nice butt," I say, "I mean that thing is nice, I want to be friends with it." I realize moments after, my Ron Burgundy reference was a million miles over her head and there is probably zero chance that she got it.

"I cannot go to your place, you must come to my house in little Italy." She says rubbing my chest, "I can't leave my friend behind, she must stay with me."

I pull her closer into me by the belt loops while tilting my head towards my left shoulder and giving her a look,"But it's just right there, we can be there in less than five minutes."

I just can't seem to figure out why she wouldn't just want to go with me to my place, it's so much closer. "I've got to be at work in the morning," I say smiling, "I can drop you off on my way to work."

She begins to rub my stomach and continues to tell me how bad she wants me. The room mate looking more irritated says something in Portuguese as we lean in to kiss again. Glancing over to see her friend eyeballing us as well as the old man appearing impatient with eyes fixed on us. By now she's rubbing my body all over, her hands graze my belt and waist. I immediately notice she's worked one of her hands into the top of my front pocket and is slowly pulling my wallet out of my jeans while the other is working the family jewels- clearly a distraction.
My hand snaps on to her wrist, I twist it while pulling it up to eye level and her facial expression changes from surprise to fear.

"What is this?" I ask throwing her wrist off to the side and stepping back. "YOU WERE TRYING TO ROB ME?!"

She puts on a big puppy dog look, "You don't want to fuck me?"

I start to laugh.

"YOU MUST BE JOKING?!" I yell angrily backing up a few more steps, "You were trying to take my wallet just now?!"

I direct both hands in a "show her what's she's won" gesture at my wallet hanging halfway out of my jeans.

She steps closer and tries to come in for an embrace as I block her, "I don't understand?" She says trying to remain in her sexy character.

I retreat back into a booth and scoot against the wall.

"You think you're real fucking clever don't you?" I say as she sits at the edge of the booth with big puppy dog eyes.

"You think you spotted a real easy target," I say glaring at her.

Stephanie shakes her head, "No-no, I promise. I want give a lot of sex with you. We can go now, to little Italy."

"You've got some nerve," I say raising my voice even louder, attracting some attention as I notice she doesn't like the attention.

"Tell that bitch room mate of yours to come over here and empty her purse and if she doesn't have more than two wallets or a weapon in there I'll go hop in a cab right now."

Her face goes pale. "We don't need to do that." she says lowering her eyes clearly guilty.

"Did you assume I was that drunk or just that stupid?" I say pissed off and starting to realize I was definitely not getting lucky tonight. Looking up, the old man now standing instead of seated at a bar stool and is staring at the two of us nearly on his tip toes to get a better look.

She slowly leans in and begins to kiss my ear. My leg starts tapping like thumper from the movie Bambi,
"If you come now, I'll let you fuck me and my room mate."

Rolling my eyes, I catch eyes with the old guy who has positioned himself even closer in an attempt to figure out what's going on.

"And who the fuck is THAT GUY?" I yell doing an exaggerated "first down" arm and hand motion in his direction.

He practically jumps seeing me scowling and pointing directly at him and quickly turns around and disappears deeper into the bar.

Without turning around she shakes her head and says, "I don't know him."

"Oh bullshit," I say with a tone of self-satisfaction having completely uncovered this con job, "Tell you what sweetheart, give me your number I'll call you for lunch before you head back to Brazil."

She nods as I take out my phone,"Ok, it's 5-5-5..."

I practically lose it, "Oh would you get fucked!" I shout pushing past her and getting up to head out. This girl actually tried to give me a 555 area code.
I pull out one of my business cards and toss it in her direction.

"If you're actually real and this has been a big misunderstanding, feel free to call." I turn around and walk out pissed off and annoyed.

A few short moments later while far enough out of sight I see Stephanie come out of the bar followed by her room mate, and the old guy.

"Bitch..." I say to myself quietly.

Just across the street are two police cruisers are parked, they're watching people come out of the bars and making sure there's no trouble in their town. I make my way up to one of the cop cars and tap on the window.

The window lowers and I take a deep breath, "Let me preface this by saying yes I've been drinking. I just had a girl try to steal my wallet out of my pocket then she tried to invite me downtown in a really shady way to a place that I might have run into some deep trouble. Do these things happen or am I just being really paranoid?"

The cop half chuckles,"That happens about half a dozen times a week. Usually they use the girl as bait and she'll lead the guy to a room somewhere and beat the guy up then take his money. They also keep the ID so they can come find you if you tell the police."

My legs almost buckle. "I can point the girl out right now, she just left the bar, we can still catch her!" I exclaim.

Shaking his head in a very matter of fact way the cops says, "We have to catch her in the act to prove anything."

A puzzled look comes over my face, "Well what happens to the next guy that doesn't figure out it's a con job and gets totally fucked?"

"Sucks to be him doesn't it?" The cop says rolling up the window.

I walked home puzzled and confused. Given the right timing or day, there's not much that saved me from finding my dick in the dirt and in a world of trouble. If this was a Friday or Saturday I may not have been so lucky.