It was the end of January and I was living in San Diego. Having only been in town for a month, I hadn't been able to branch out as much as I would have liked and quite frankly, I was getting pretty lonely. I've never been bashful or shy about the online dating thing, so it wasn't long before I had lined up a date. Her profile said she was a little shorter than me and had an "average" body type. She told me she worked as a hair dresser but was thinking about going back to school. Ascetically speaking, I really couldn't see shit from the two grainy pictures she had posted, it was fairly clear she had blond hair and what looked like huge boobs; beyond that it was a huge toss up. But given my lack of luck with women so far in that area, I was willing to chance it.
We chatted via messages on the dating site throughout the week. By Thursday, she had invited me to come with her to a friends house for a Friday night birthday bash. I didn't have plans yet as I still had very few friends and it sounded like a fun idea anyway. I've always been very well received at most house parties and besides if we hit any dull moments we could always talk to other people there. We exchanged numbers and I texted her my address and the general time for her to come by. I had my doubts of course, but Friday night came around quickly. Knowing it was too late to cancel, I texted her, "Come over and pick me up, I'm ready!"
I waited on the side walk outside my townhouse, excited for whatever the night might bring. I was sharply dressed, had two thirds handle of rum in a bag with some off brand soda as a mixer/chaser, and was ready for an eventful evening knowing that no matter what happened it was going to inevitably be new and different.
"Should I bring all this liquor with me? It's a nice gesture and nobody likes a moocher." I thought to myself.
As I waited there I realized I truly have no idea what I'm getting myself into. All of the "what if's" begin to swirl in my head. I haven't the slightest clue as to what this girl looked like beyond two small cropped blurry images on her dating site profile. What if she's fat? What if she sucks and I end up stranded at a house too far from where I live to do anything about it.
"Zero exit strategy, go for brass ring, no surrender, no retreat." I say in my head trying to psych myself up as I pretend to kick dust off the tops of my shoes like a boxer does when stepping into the ring.
My phone rings. I take a deep breath, and answer.
"Hello? This is Taylor."
"Hey, I'm on your street. Come outside so I can see you."
"I'm already out in front, I'll flag out down when I see you coming."
About a block away I could see two headlights approaching. I stand between two parallel parked cars onto the street and began to wave. I squint as the car approaches in an effort to figure out why one headlight was slightly lower than the other.
As her little Mazda Miata coasted up to me in, I could see the car was clearly slumped to the drivers side due to the drivers unproportionate weight.
"Holyshit!" I said aloud looking all around me to see if someone had set me up for some type of joke.
The window lowered as I stayed planted where I stood, "Hey boy," the girl said propping up a fat elbow out of the window in sad attempt to sound and look sexy.
Fight or Flight instinct commonly kicks in right here. I know that if I take off and don't look back I have ended my evening without giving it a chance. However I know that if I get in, there's a very good chance I'll be hanging out with a gross fat chick for the entire night. No exit strategy. I cracked my neck on both sides and stepped forward.
"Hi! How are you?" I say as if nothing is wrong.
I walked around the front of the car with a fake smile on my face and peered through the windshield. This fucking girl was fat, not fluffy, not voluptuous. Fat. She could barely fit in the car and looked uncomfortable where she sat. It reminded me of "Professor Klump" from the movie The Nutty Professor when Eddie Murphy suddenly goes from skinny to fat inside a sports-car and has to be cut out of it using the jaws of life.
After a second of deliberation I lift the door handle and get in.
"Hey you!" She says while put my liquor on the floor, "are you excited for tonight?"
Glancing over but not wanting to turn fully I can already see vast amounts of concealer and other thick make-up products flaking off this girls fat face. I imagined this girl eating powdered donuts. Peering lower I spotted a heavy-fold-defined double chin resting atop her big fat tits which were pressed up to her neck with a push up bra that was 5 sizes too small. Picture a heavier miss piggy, but with more whore make-up on.
"Yeah," I say grinning, "as excited as I'll ever be." I say knowing how fucked I was, "So where exactly is this party?"
"It's over by State," She says flipping on her turn signal and turning onto the main road towards the highway.
"Is that far?" I ask hesitantly.
"It's like 25 minutes, tops." She says turning up the pop music station on the radio.
I sink a little into my seat. "Charlie brown, you are well fucked and far from home," I think to myself. Unless I play nice, I'm not going to have a any reasonable way home. That's probably a $50 cab ride home.
Her terrible driving skills doesn't put me at ease as I watch her using her fat fingers to text while trying to work the radio and drive at the same time.
We talk about our basic backgrounds and what brought us to our current living situations. We then both shared why we were looking for people online, I explained that I had just moved to the area and hardly knew anyone. She said that she was tired of guys she met at bars. A bit of silence follows, because I kind of doubted that guys would talk to her in the bars.
Moments later Sarah starts to giggle a bit, I look over, "What are you laughing about?"
She giggles a little more then says, "It's nothing. But I told my friends that I met you online." She looks over and smiles, "They all think it's super creepy but I told them I didn't care, so you've got to be nice to them, ok?"
"Ugh." I say lowering my head as I bring my right hand to the side of my face to massage my right temple. "So everyone at this party we're going to thinks I'm creepy and they know that we found each other on a dating website."
"Yeah, they think it's really weird and didn't want you to come at all but since you're with me it's cool. And I told them craigslist because I don't want them using the site I found you on until I get my crack at the hotties." She says with a smile and turns on her blinker to take our exit off the freeway.
I clear my throat and look out the window hopelessly. Impending unavoidable embarrassment is heading my way. I know it's too late jump out of the moving car and the cab ride would be way too expensive even if I survived the fall.
We pull up to a modest middle-of-subrubia-looking house located in a quiet neighborhood. The house is a one level single family home and it has a two car garage. From the front I can also see decent sized fenced in backyard and can already hear people talking loudly in the back.
"This might now be too ruff." I say to myself.
I sluggishly grab my bag of booze from the floor of the car and trudge up to the house following my waddling date. As Sarah nears the front steps the door sudden swings open and five extremely attractive young girls press up into the doorway to get a look at me.
"Hey Sarah! Is that him?" One of them asks as they all start laughing. I roll my eyes.
I wave, "Hey girls." I walk up to the door frame make my introductions trying to act as non-creepy as possible.
Once inside, I make my way around the living room introducing myself quickly to the 10 or so people who are just standing around watching us come inside. Moments later I head straight for the kitchen to make myself a very strong drink. Taking a few deep breaths, I fill a solo cup to the brim with ice, pour rum 3/4 of the way up, and add a dash of soda on top and begin gulping it down. My rationale is "drink until this isn't weird anymore." I look up from my drink and realize my "date" is staring at me.
"Get me a drink." She damands.
"Ha!" I laugh taking another deep gulp out of my cup, "try again."
"I want a beer." She proclaimed putting her hands on her hips as if I better get to it right now.
I lean up against the counter wink at her and finish nearly the remaining content of what's in my cup, "Where I'm from, we say please. Want a shot instead?"
"No, I'm driving." She said appearing impatient.
"Wait, so you're not drinking tonight?" I ask while pouring more rum into my cup.
"Nope, I don't drink and drive." She said folding her arms, "I might have a beer but that's it."
I grab a beer out of the fridge and hand it over to her, "Sarah you are setting me up for a very interesting evening. I'm going to be drinking because it's a party and if I'm consuming alcohol and you're not it might not go as well as...."
"Want to play beerpong?" Sarah interrupts.
"Sure." I say shaking my head. I reach back over to my handle and pour more rum into my cup before hiding it in the freezer.
I followed her into the garage which where there were six stoner guys playing 10 cup beer pong and smoking weed out of a tall glass bong that sat on the floor. We wrote our name on a list and I made an effort to have a conversation with Sarah while we waited. She had never been outside of California and had no goals in life. I was starting to feel a bit more loosened up as the alcohol took effect and maybe all the weed smoke in the air gave me a slight contact high.
"Hey, it's your turn," Says one of the stoner-dudes that looks like a fat version of the any of the guys from Blink 182.
The game starts and they sink two cups straight off the bat. I hand her one of the cups and bring the other to my face and start to drink.
"Um, I'm not drinking- remember I have to drive tonight." she says while I'm halfway through gulping down my first cup. I look down and she's placed her cup on the table next to me.
"You can drink for both of us." She says matter of factly.
"You expect me to drink all of these?" I said pointing at the 10 cups in front of us which comes out to 5 beers total.
She folds her arms and shifts all her weight back and to one side while giving me a duck-face. I go into thought for a second, I know I can get hammered faster given this new development but I also need some of my wits about me. I also don't like the dynamic of being out on a "date" when one person is sober and the other is drunk. It never pans out.
We play the game and she takes every opportunity to bend over in front of me to show off the bright pink thong she's sporting hiked up above the waist line of her jeans. Eventually we lose and the two stoners send over the cups on their side that we didn't make. I end up drinking a grand total of 14 cups. Which comes out to be nearly 7 beers in a 25 minute span. I think it goes without saying I'm on the verge of throwing up but I'm holding my composure. I tell Sarah I need some air as I finish my last sip and I step outside the sliding glass door in the kitchen on the back deck. There's four other people smoking and I spark a cigarette and join the crowd.
The people weren't the brightest bunch, but they were relatively nice. I was feeling much better until the door opened and Sarah Stuck her fat face into the cool night air and exclaimed,
"Oh, gross!? You're a smoker? That is such a turn off!"
I start laughing at her, "sucks to be me!" I say as the other guys start laughing at her too and begin doing impressions of her.
I light up another cigarette and spend a good 15-20 minutes chatting with the people outside. A short time later a few guys and myself take some shots in the kitchen and before I know it, I'm actually starting to have a good time. I'm in mid conversation in the kitchen and my date strolls up to me with a negative look facial expression. "Were you going to talk to me tonight?" She asks in a bitchy tone.
"We're talking right now." I retort with a clever smile as the other guys walk away to give us some room. "What's up? How's your night going?"
"So EW,, I didn't know you were a smoker." She says in a condescendingly looking away.
"I'd say there were surprises for both us tonight." I said looking her up and down feeling a fairly heavy buzz from all the drinks.
"Huh?" She's confused.
I realized right there that if I'm still not even remotely attracted to this cow after all the alcohol I've had at this point then it's safe to assume it's not going to happen. Her shitty attitude and unreasonably high entitlement complex is just icing on the cake. The other problem is that she is, as far as I know, the only person in driving condition that lives in my area that would possibly be willing and able to get me home. It was almost Midnight and if I played my cards right I could convince her to take me back home early and still have time to do some last minute shopping at a bar near my house.
I made up a story about wanting to be back in the area because room mate lost his key and would be able to get into our house. Then I sprinkled in a fake story about how studies often show that dates are proven to be more successful if both parties are consuming alcohol and it wouldn't be fair for me to have all the fun. I got some resistance but after a little bit of charming on my part she agreed to drive under the condition that we went to a bar after we got back and I bought her a drink for all the gas money she had spent driving us up and back. If I really wanted to make a run for it and not uphold my end of the bargain once we got home, I knew I could so I agreed.
The ride home actually seemed longer than the ride there. She blasted music from the local top 40 station with the windows down, so awkward conversation wasn't even an issue.
We arrived about 30 minuets before last call and parked at her place which was really only 25 yards from the bar I wanted to go to anyway. There wasn't a line outside the bar and we got two stools at the bar, no problem. We ordered a round a drinks and as she began to talk about herself again I started watching the people around us. Every single girl that walked by was easily twice as hot as she was. What was worse was that I could actually tell I was getting looks from people in the form of eye rolls and facial expressions. By comparison I felt the girl that I had come with was so ugly inside and out. It came to a boiling point when I found myself convinced there was a group of girls pointing and laughing at me down near the other end of the bar. I felt ridiculous to be giving up so much of what little free time I had to someone so undeserving.
I interrupted her mid sentence while she was on about how under appreciated hair stylists are, "Can I get my handle out of your car?"
"Right now?" She asked surprised.
"Yeah, right now." I tossed some cash on the bar and walked outside and lit a cigarette.
"Gross you're smoking again," She said as she followed me back to her car. I started laughing to myself.
"What's so funny? Why are you walking so fast? Why do you need to get it right now?"
She machine gunned questions as me as shook my head approaching the car.
"It's been an interesting night hun, but I'm just not at all into you." I said opening her passenger door and pulling out my handle of liquor, "I'd rather just be civil about it and part ways."
"Excuse me? I was thinking about hooking up with you tonight but if you're gonna act like that, you can forget it." She said looking at me squarely in the eyes from the other side of the car.
"Yeah, so listen- I'm gonna go." I said starting to walk around the car to go home.
She stepped in front of me and put her hands on my shoulders, "Wait, just a kiss goodbye?"
"No!" I said pushing her hands off of me, "You turned out to be at least 75 lbs heavier than what I expected. You listed yourself as average. Good-day! I said walking around her.
"Well that's ridiculous," she said a bit flustered, "Yeah, maybe I've put on a little w..." She started to say.
"I said good-day!" I throw my hands up in the air and walk around her. Pulling a long drag off of my cigarette with a handle of rum in hand I walk away shaking my head while behind me stands a fat frustrated girl with a little less self esteem.
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