I met up with my friend Chris in Arlington, Virginia who would soon be leaving the area for a 3 month trip abroad. We took the metro (DC subway system) to Arlington from his place and vowed to get very drunk before it was all said and done.
It was one of those nights, endless drinks upon shots while catching up with old friends and making new ones at a decent little bar. It was a really good outing and as the lights came on and shouts of "last call" rang out, Chris and I settled up our tabs.
"I'm in no shape to drive at the moment. Can I crash at your house?" I said to my friend while one-eyeing my check and trying to do drunk math to figure out the tip
"Yeah, totally fine bud." Chris said while laughing and squinting at his check.
Once out of the bar we headed directly to the metro. It was a reasonably crowded evening as we passed groups of loud inebriated people and took our places on the train platform. It's sometimes comforting to know we won't be the only loud and obnoxious drunk people on the ride.
A short time later an red LED sign above the platform displays, "train arriving." It's front headlights illuminate the tunnel ahead eventually giving way to the quick moving train that flashes by us and eventually slows. The doors spring open and we quickly find seats. Standing on moving train when fairly drunk is one of the less desirable things to deal with if it can be avoided. As the trained pulled away I look around to see what kind of people would be joining us for the 15 minute or so ride. Although our car appeared to have almost all the seats filled, it wasn't exactly a lively bunch.
"Hey do remember that RA (resident director) you had freshman year?" Chris randomly pipes up half laughing, "You know; the one that got you kicked out of housing three times your first semester?"
I roll my eyes, "Gabe." I say, "Yeah I remember him. What a piece of shit."
"You know he's getting married?" Chris said grinning.
"I'm not surprised, that kid is one of those super Christians that would get married as early as possible because being a virgin at age 25 must be getting old or they just don't know shit about the world. What make you bring that up?" I say a little bitter remembering that stress he caused me years ago.
Chris sat back a bit, "Well, his fiancee is in one of my classes and I swear that girl flirts with me almost not-stop. And she's not bad looking." Chris says smirking as we pull up to one of the stations and nobody gets on or off the train.
"I think I put in some effort, I could probably get something out of it." Chris says confidently.
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"You should defiantly fuck that chick." I charge in loudly. "Chris! You don't understand, I would fuck that girl in front of her entire family!" I shout staring him dead in the eyes forgetting where I was for a moment.
"EW." Some girl in a large group in front of us says with a wrinkled up forhead half turning. I catch a few other women glaring at me as well.
"Let me paint you a picture Chris." I start raising my voice partially because I hate ease dropping girls that judge me on the metro.
"Imagine, it's a Washington Capitals hockey playoff game. The score is tied going into intermission just before the 3nd period." my voice gains some enthusiasm as I start to realize nearly all conversations around us have tapered off while people have stopped to listen in on what I'm saying.
"As all the lights in the stadium fade, the theme song to TOP GUN begins coming out of the speakers at the Verizon Center, quietly at first, but then growing louder and louder... A single spotlight hits the edge of the ice." While Chris is silently nodding, I look around to see the majority of the people all around us have turned around and are captivated by my fantasy.
"Out comes a gleaming white Zamboni onto the ice, and who's that on the hood of that beautiful ice sweeping machine? Me, completely naked fucking Gabe's fiance from behind while waving a huge American flag. And... She's got a ball gag in her mouth"
The guys around us erupt in laughter as a random person yells out, "What?!"
I spot a few of the girls in front of me grimacing in horror. "It gets better hunny," I say winking at one of them.
"As the entire stadium is cheering me on we ride the Zamboni into the first turn and a second spotlight flashes onto the crowd as the CAPS announcer echos over the packed Verizon stadium and all the cheering fans, Ladies and Gentlemen, please direct your attention to section 101. The second spot light stops on section 101 of the stands and it's Gabe along with his and her entire family. I'm talking about flying in the grandparents from both parts of Florida, cousins, uncles, sisters, brothers, nephews, watching me a-top a big Zamboni seven feet off the ice fucking this guy's fiance in front of sold out crowd and the entire family... I fucking hate that kid. Total douche."
The entire train is roaring with laughter as we pull up to our station. I give a few waves as a small round of applause had started up while we exited. As we leave, the doors of the train remain open momentarily. Over the subsiding laughter I hear one of the girls nearest our exiting door say, "Oh my god, that was the creepiest guy I've ever met on the metro."
I quickly and run up to where her back is facing the window as the doors close and pressed my face up against glass. I tap twice on the window and when she turns around I begin making loud grunts and moans while moving my arms like t-rex arms up and down against the glass. She shrieks in horror falling backward into the isle as the train pulls away from the station. Laughing hysterically Chris and I head back to his place to make some drunk food and pass out for the night. Pretty standard Saturday.
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