I think dating all kinds of girls builds character; from enjoying the ones with mohawks that have daddy issues and love BDSM (B&D- bondage & discipline; D/s- Dominance & submission; and S&M- sadism and masochism) to experimenting with the girls next store. It's tough to zero in on a type because I just happen to like variety. That being said, I wanted to share the strangest and worst date I've ever been on in my short history.
Setting the background:
This story doesn't get its full effect unless you know the events that preceded it. It all starts with an online dating site that is a bit different from Match.com OkCupid or perhaps eHarmony.com. No, this site brings together a different part of society that still holds it place in the "underground." I'm of course talking about kinksters/fetish lifestyles scene. Like the majority of the population, most of my friends are unaware of the sites, and if they are- they aren't joining them. As I began to sink into this lifestyle and meet people, I always asked the people I meet "why are you here?" Most everyone says the same thing initially, "someone introduced me to the lifestyle and recommended the site."
Then shortly after that, you could expect to get a handful different responses meaning the same thing. People say something like:
"My regular relationships/sex life was to vanilla"
"I'm just more self actualized and know what I like. And most people have a hard time participating in what I like."
"The media and accessibility of sexuality in our culture simply has me looking for more because I want to explore what else is out there."
Whatever the reason may be, I found myself on one of these sites. I threw together a humble,coherent, and thoughtful self description, a list of curiosities/turn-ons, and a PG rated slew of pictures to gain some credibility and possibly spur some interest. It wasn't long after I created my profile on this site that I started to receive messages. I usually stand by the rational that as a male I should seldom if ever be sending the initial message as to avoid being labeled the stereotypical "creeper." During my first few months, when I received a message from a person that seemed relatively attractive and reasonably intelligent I'd message them back and forth until I either lost interest or we would actually met up.
I'll set the record straight and start by saying I didn't meet up with droves of people. In all reality, I maybe met with maybe 7-8 people over the span of 2 years. Keep in mind there is a very limited talent pool. Most people that find these sites are little older, more socially awkward than the rest of society (or just crazy), and more often out of shape. That's not to say I didn't talk with more, it just means that both parties had to see a mutual attraction and saw a reason to meet up. Out of my 7-8 in-person meet ups, most of them were bad experiences and the ones that weren't were just ok- not great.
This brings me to my most recent meet up with a 25 year old girl from this site.
I had come across her profile while surfing the site and did a brief read of her fetishes:
"Into: accents (receiving), anal beads (everything to do with it), anal sex (receiving), appealing to my brain, as well as my body., ass play (everything to do with it), belt spanking (giving), biting (everything to do with it), blindfolds (everything to do with it), blow jobs (giving), body worship (receiving), bondage tape (everything to do with it), bruises (receiving), butt plugs (everything to do with it), choking (receiving), corsets (wearing), costumes/dressing-up (wearing), dildos (everything to do with it), domination (giving), double penetration (everything to do with it), erotic photography (everything to do with it), fingering (everything to do with it), flirting (everything to do with it), forced orgasms (receiving), hair pulling (everything to do with it), high heels (wearing), holding her to the bed by her wrists (receiving), humiliation (giving), intelligence, kissing (everything to do with it), kissing a beautiful woman's legs (receiving), leaving marks (everything to do with it), lingerie (wearing), masturbation, mens hairless chests, moaning, screaming, groaning and other sounds of pleasure and pain (everything to do with it), morning sex before work, multiple orgasms (everything to do with it), mutual respect, trust and communication., oral sex (everything to do with it), orgasm denial (everything to do with it), piercings (watching others wear), polyamory (everything to do with it), porn (everything to do with it), rimming (everything to do with it), rough sex (everything to do with it), scratching (giving), seduction (giving), talking dirty (everything to do with it), tattoos (everything to do with it), teasing (everything to do with it), threesomes (everything to do with it), toys (everything to do with it), vibrators (everything to do with it), waking up to your tongue in my cunt"
After reading that impressive and unusual list, I sent her a message with a few lines that said something to the effect of, "You seem like the interesting type, I'd imagine we could get along. Let me know if you'd like to grab a drink sometime." She responded positively and we began to message each other back and forth.
We finally both agreed to meet up for a happy hour in Arlington on Cinqo de Mayo. Cinqo De Mayo is a drinking holiday without the prestige and class of St. Patricks Day. I sent her a message the morning of saying, "I know I sent you my number but I don't have yours. It might be a good idea for me to have in case something comes up for we end up somewhere else."
Her response was, "Do you have an iphone or a droid so you can send me a message via the website while you are out?"
Needless to say I wasn't interested in playing silly games. I understand the concept of "a girl's gotta be careful now-a-days," I really do. But if you're going to meet someone for happy hour (and you don't fully know what they look like) and plans could rapidly change, a cell phone number has a purpose. I went to a total of 4 different bars with my friends that day and sent her a message saying where we were headed after we left each one. I finally got a response at the end of the night, "I'm just now leaving dupont (DC), can we just meet another time?"
Unimpressed, I waited 3 days to e-mail her back. Once again, we chatted back and forth for a bit and finally agreed on a second go-around at meeting up. We set a time and place in Arlington. I got message from her while I walked around the bar for 10 minutes feeling ridiculous while trying to look for a girl sitting by herself. She explained on the that she had gone to the wrong bar in DC and was heading towards Arlington, where I was. Although slightly annoyed, I said it was fine and went to go meet friends at a close by bar in the nearby area. I grabbed a few beers with the boys and stifled my frustrations about the whole predicament.
She eventually called me 30 minutes later to tell me she had just parked and I said I'd see her shortly.
I walked into the bar I had been at nearly 45 minutes ago and ordered two drinks and waited for her arrival. A few minutes later, a surprisingly attractive brunette with short hair conservatively dressed in office attire walked in and said, "Taylor?"
I walked over and gave her big a hug, "Well who decided to show up, look at you?! I said looking her up and down, You like great."
She smiled and said, "Thanks." Without recipricating the compliment.
I generally don't like non-compliment-recipricators because it translates to a "ME-ME-ME" mindset which usually proves to cut across all realms of their character. It means a person is generally unimpressed by anything that doesn't involve them, so that's a cue to talk as little about yourself as possible. There is usually an unreasonably high self esteem that requires constant reinforcement. If you know that selfishness is the norm when it comes to everything (including sex) and how to counter it, a good time can still be had. I've encountered these types many times before, just pretend to be "somewhat" unimpressed by their success and ask more questions about their short comings with what seems like genuine interest. This has them spending the entire evening trying to prove themselves to you without spending much time boring them on topics like anything else.
We grabbed a seat outside and spent the majority of the time talking about her. Most times I tried to share something about myself she would lose eye contact and seemingly look bored. To her credit she had confidence, ambition, and an open mind. Once conversation got off the topic of her, I actually began to have a good time. We chatted for nearly 3 hours when I eventually hinted at the time. I asked her if she would be up for going out on Friday to a place in Logan Circle that has an amazing 7 Piece house band cranks out the tunes from Same Cooke to James Brown. She thought the idea was great, and although I wasn't totally sold on her, I willing to give her a shot.
I walked her back to her car in the parking garage and went in for the hug first, pulled back momentarily then started to kiss her. She kept biting the tip of my tongue and seemingly didn't know what she was doing. I laughed a little and kept going. Pretty soon she had clinched onto a fist full of my hair and yanked my head back. I did the same. I brought my head forward and sunk my teeth into her lower neck, just above her shoulder. She had wrapped a leg around mine as her dress slid nearly up to her waist. A few people walked by with undoubtedly funny looks on their faces. She was the rough type, I didn't mind.
"It's a shame we're both not going back your place tonight." I said.
She pulled back a little. "Well I didn't invite you yet."
"Oh right," I said, "We just got finished talking about how doecause you believe that anyone who hooks up at a bar is trashy."
She leaned in and kissed my neck then my my ear, "We're not at a bar anymore. Are we?" she whispered.
"Interesting, point." I say rubbing her waist and pulling her in closer. "It could be a lot of fun."
"Well I'm waiting for my period to be over, so it's probably a no-go for tonight anyway." She said pulling back a little and resting her hands on my shoulders.
"I'm pretty sure I read somewhere that boys don't get periods, besides I don't fuck on the first date... I'm a classy guy." I said winking at her with a debonair smile.
"Well I do have a pit-bull at home he's not always so nice."
"That's ok," I said. "I like dogs, even the mean ones."
"I don't know, I'm just not sold." she said. "What do I get out of it?"
"You did say you own a lot of toys and I'd imagine there's a laundry list of things I could think of doing that might just be worth it."
"Other people can't get me off using my toys." She stammered.
"I'm not other people and at least I'm willing to give it a shot."
I thought about it for a minute, it was already 11 and I knew that if I played my cards right on this one we could start a regular thing. The vast majority of first night conquests I've had never have a re-occurring follow up.
"Well it's late anyways, I'm fine with meeting up on Friday and having a whole night to decide whether or not our amazing time merits sex. Let's just shoot for a great Friday." I said backing up slowly and letting her hands fall down by the sides. "I had a great time tonight."
"Yeah ok, I did too." She said smiling getting into her car.
FLASH FORWARD TO FRIDAY DAY AFTERNOON:
We had exchanged a few texts throughout the week and had established that we were still going to the live music lounge that night. Until I received this text:
She was asking if I'd rather cancel the plans we had made and go to a fetish/swinger party in Baltimore instead. I'm just as open minded as the next guy but I had never been to one of these before. Sure I had heard about them and maybe I was even a little curious about going, but I'd never gone purely for the reason that I just didn't see myself being comfortable in that environment.
I could only assume this was an odd way of testing my resolve to be open guy who is cool with doing new things and perhaps higher threshold of is "weird." "I don't scare easily, so I responded with a question of logistics hoping to shake her idea of hitting a fetish scene for a second date.
She messaged me moments later about a similar kinky club in DC that had a sexy zombie theme going on in NE around 10:00. I agreed to go, and asked what to wear to one of these things. She said, "I'm going in a black corset, meet you there at 10?"
This didn't help me understand what I should be wearing to a fetish night club and furthermore I was hoping we could grab a few drinks and ease into this very new experience as team first. I text her my reservations but she steamrolled right through them, with "You're a big boy, I'm sure you'll be able to figure something out."
So there I was, unsure of what the night was to bring; about to head into a very bad part of the city to an unfamiliar place and meet a girl I knew just as little about. Being that I knew I would be in such new territory, I decided to meet some friends at a bar for liquid and moral encouragement beforehand. I got dressed in dark blue jeans, polished black leather dress shoes, a dark black fitting dress shirt, and a nice dark pin stripped sports coat. This attire would be fitting for most any club anywhere and I was hoping it would do the trick for me at the fetish night club.
I picked up a pack of smokes that allowed me to excuse myself from any strange situation and possibly make friends outside the establishment without much difficulty. I'm great at making friends in smoking circles, isn't everybody? I bought an energy drink to give me the silver tongue fend off any "talker's-block" I might get in a new environment. I even picked up a handful of miniature bottles of whiskey and jager in case my nerves got the best of me and I needed liquid encouragement.
I met my friends at a dive bar in Arlington and told them about my grand trip to North East (NE) Washington, DC (DC). My plan for the evening was met by some strong criticism and humor. I downed my first shot and second shot of the night followed by two jack-and-cokes. I got some more words of encouragement and headed to the metro. I got into my pump-up zone as I chugged my energy drink during the 5 minutes I spent waiting on the platform for the train. I had a mild buzz going and I was totally psyched up for whatever could happen that night.
Once on the train I sent a few "heads-up texts" just to increase her level of nervousness and excitement. "I'll be there soon, tonight should be fun!"
I made it to my transfer point. Due to a delay I sent another text saying I was running behind and it was at this point that I started to get a little nervous. I hadn't received any responses yet. By the time I got on the second train, half an hour had gone by due to delays and my bladder was so full I was having difficulty walking. I was starting to wonder if she was going to show up at all. I hadn't gone all this way just to be stood up. When I finally got off the train at the New York Ave metro stop in NE DC, my bladder was so full I considered risking blowing off my dick by pissing on the tracks potentially hitting the 3rd rail with my steam. But I held it in. I got off the the elevated outdoor platform and walked in a hurried pace to the street below. I took an immediate turn and saw a rough looking neighborhood coming up on my right. "Bingo!" As I approached I could see it was dark and noted that there would be plenty of places to pee. I walked up between a few cars parked near an abandoned warehouse I could tell I only had mere seconds to get this pee started or I was going to ruin my jeans.
I sent a strong stream into the bricks near a black esclade next to a warehouse. I hear a door to the building next to me swing open as I continue to pee on the bricks nearby.
"WHHHHHHAAARFFF!" A fat black man violently puked in a wretching fashion a few yards away. Lucky for me, I just out of view of him. I almost wanted to laugh out loud because it's really funny to watch a grown man power-washing the sidewalk with his stomach acid. I so badly wanted to say something like, "Hey man, we're trying to keep this place nice." I finished up and snuck away back the way I came.
I picked a general direction as I got my phone out and tried to locate where I was on my GPS. I realize I'm in the heart of a very bad neighborhood and my phone won't give me any indication as to where I actually am. It keep s telling me I'm downtown and I know that's not right. I find a gay guy a block away walking his two dogs and ask him for directions. He says he doesn't know where either of the streets I'm looking for are. I later find out that I was only 3 blocks from both of the roads I asked about. "I recommends that you find a cab, you don't want to be lost in this neighborhood... especially dressed the way you are," He says walking away. Frustrated and pissed I pick a direction and try to figure out my bearings when I get through an intersection or two.
Meanwhile, unlucky for me there just aren't cabs in this neighborhood. It's not that kind of place. I'm starting to get increasingly nervous because I can't seem to figure out where anything is. I receive a text from the girl, "I'm here at the fetish club, you here?"
"Just a little turned around and had a delayed train, I'm on my way." I write back.
Staying on the solid direction I picked and I hoped that my GPS would kick in soon or maybe I can find a cab before that.
As I approached a large overpass, I spot a man in dirty clothes on the other side of the street heading the opposite direction of me talking loudly and angrily to himself. As I get closer to the overpass I see that there is a group of 15-20 gangster looking kids between the ages of 12-15 under it already walking my direction. "Eyes forward and walk straight." I say to myself.
As I start to pass the kids I saw one of these little punks had "little john" black tear tattooed on next to his eye. I think I'm in the clear when I hear things hitting the ground around me. A beer can wizzes by my head and hits the street next to me "TING-TING...TING." "These children are throwing garbage at me..." I think to myself in a moment of feeling helpless.
It's not like I can take on 20 of them and besides they're a bunch of kids. I hear them laughing at me but I keep walking and before I know it they're behind me I'm out of the tunnel and into a new street. I pull out my phone again, what luck! My gps is working and says I've gone 3 blocks the wrong way but I can still get to the Kink night club if I walk six blocks up and to the right.
I make it through the tunnel and pull out a miniature bottle of liquor and down it as I walk parallel with a major road. "If I just stay on major roads, I'll be ok." I keep thinking as I notice the area has gotten increasingly seedy and I'm the only person walking on the sidewalks. I approach the intersection I'm supposed to continue toward and I see a sign on the front of a huge barrier on half the shoulder of the road and the sidewalk. "Sidewalk closed for pedestrians take detour" it read with an arrow heading to a poorly lit street.
"Mother fucker...this shit is getting old" I say out loud. These kind of things only happen to me.
I try to flag down just a handful of cabs while I debate on whether I want to go the route less well lit. After 5 minutes and my failure to spot anymore cabs, I open up my GPS and chart my next route. At least I won't get lost if I get mugged. Looking at my intersection, I know that if I go two blocks down and make a left turn it'll be a simply 4 blocks straight away to the fetish club.
When I finally arrived at the straight away, my arms just kind of dropped to my sides and stood for a moment in astonishment. It was a long strip of abandoned warehouses. It's laughable how ghetto it is. All the building have their lights off, everything is filthy, rusted, and boarded up. The entire scene looked post apocalyptic with the exception of the the vehicles parked in no particular fashion or order. I lit a cigarette and started walking. I passed lots of crumbling buildings with fences topped with razor wire and an unmarked dark night club. There were actually people waiting in front of the door with about 15 black guys and a few groups of guys hanging around their cars watching me as I walked alone on the other side of the street.
I hear one guy a group of black dudes behind me say to his friend, "Yo, Look look look." I tried not to look over but I could hear at least two sets of feet begin to follow me. I have no desire to deal with this, and the last thing I plan on doing is looking behind me because that might antagonize these guys. I am already extremely stressed out as they come. I look down the road further up and spot a group of 3 older bums ahead of me just hanging out. I increase my speed and stride in their direction.
"What's up fellas?!" I say loudly.
They glance up as I pull my pack of cigarettes out and put one into my mouth. "Would anybody like a smoke? "I gotta get rid of these things."
Instant friends are made over cigarettes. I hand a cigarette to one of the bums as I pull my lighter out and turn my head slightly to see that there was a group of 3 guys following me has stopped and are now talking and as I hand out two more cigarettes I see them walking back the other direction. I can't be sure that they were absolutely trying to follow me, but I'm willing to bet that if they were those bums made me look like I was one of the regulars here, I might have told a different story. I gave out a few more cigs, told them to have a good night, and kept going.
I'm nearly overwhelmed by this point but I can see on my GPS I'm practically there. Besides, once I get inside I'll be fine. I get onto the right street and as I approach the door I see two nice looking girls about my age walking up to the same place I am.
"Are you guys here for the event too?" I ask as I pull another cigarette out of my pocket.
"Yeah we're a little late." One of them says laughing a little as the other knocks on the door.
A black guy opens the door and says, "This is not the entrance. Ya'll have to go around."
The girls and I exchange names as we make our way around the back of the building.
"I've never been to one of these before, I guess it's my first time." I say chuckling.
They look at each other and laugh, "we've never been here either." one of them says.
"How did you guys hear about this thing anyway?" I ask.
"Facebook!" They both say almost in unison.
I laugh a little. "Yeah me too! I'm actually meeting someone here. I'm going to finish my cigarette but I'll see you guys inside."
I wave to them as the bouncer checks their IDs and they walk inside. I can hear the beat of the music outside and see a few people smoking cigarettes dressed in dark outfits off to the side of the door.
About 30 seconds go by and the two girls rush out the door with bewildered looks on their faces.
"That was fast?!" say loudly.
"This is not the Stevie Wonder tribute concert!" One of exclaims loudly as they walk past me "It's some gross swingers thing!"
I start laughing at them, "Shit I thought I was lost. Come back if you change your mind, have a good night girls!" (Apparently this is what they were looking for - the Friday May 13th happens to be Stevie Wonders birthday: http://www.2dopeboyz.com/2011/05/10/wonderlove-a-tribute-to-stevie-wonder-mixed-by-dj-rhettmatic/ )
I flick my cigarette, get my ID checked, and pay my cover to a chubby pale girl and her chubby friend at the door. I hear rob zombie music pumping loudly behind the heavy wooden door next to me. I take a deep breath, pull the door open, and step in. I was inside for all of a few seconds and my initial reaction is disappointment... not fear, not surprise, not even confusion. There was maybe 25 people total standing around the edges of what can only be described as two middle family home basement sized dance floors and a small bar area. These people were by no means attractive. The vast majority of women were fat older pale chicks in leather corsets with too much make-up on. These were not models or even fun looking people. These were the folks that looked like they were in the goth group in high school and never grew out of it. This was not the "A" team. I walked up the bar and ordered a whiskey coke from the dominatrix behind the bar. "$9" she said.
"Fucking great." I said under my breath. I cringed as I handed her the money then turned and posted up on the bar facing the dance floors. Out of the shadows came a familiar face.
"You finally made it!" yelled out the girl I came to meet.
As she came in for a big hug I could see not only was she wearing a small low cut corset but she had decided to wear nothing below the waist except for a leather thong, fishnets, garter belt, and high heels. She looked very well put together. Oddly enough
I noticed she had something in her hand. She was holding onto a leash, I followed the length of the leash with my eyes to see it was attached to a studded collar. I pulled back my gaze to see the collar was around the fat neck of a gross looking girl wearing a tight fitting corset that did little to pull-in her big belly but pushed her fat titties into her double chin and neck. She was wearing zombie make-up and overall was just a terrible display of humanity. I looked her up and down more inquisitively than anything else and limply shook hands with "it."
"Sorry about the lateness! "I yelled over the music. "A lot of weird stuff happened!"
"What?!" She yelled. "I can't hear you!"
"Show me around, I've never been here!" I yelled into her ear.
She pulled back, "OK! Let's go to the jellyfish room!"
Running with the fat zombie girl on a leash, I casually followed them to an area where neon lights had been placed atop a bunch of long strips of cloudy styrofoam that hung vertically from the ceiling. The effect was supposed to be somewhat of a jelly fish tentacle hanging down that reflected some of the light but it was also opaque enough so that you could see much else. The two girls started to dance and giggle inside the "jellyfish area" and I mark this as the moment I began feeling slightly out of place. I don't know how to dance to Rob Zombie's music and even if I did, I wouldn't do so in an odd formation of hanging styrofoam. I started to try and dance when I noticed that parts of the foam were damp due to other sweaty fat people parading in and out of the area.
"HEY!" I said finding her in the weeds of the styrofoam mess. "I'm a little stressed after my trip getting here. I'm going to burn a cigarette outside."
"You smoke?!" She said giving me a face. "I do when I drink and when I'm feeling some stressed and right now that's both."
I turned around and walked past a few trannys and more fat chicks to get out of the main door leading downstairs and outside. I pulled out my cigarettes and took a deep breath. I leaned up against a cool brick wall and sparked a cigarette. This was not what I had expected. I hadn't really properly mentally prepared myself for this thing. I usually can make friends wherever I go but this wasn't my crowd. I didn't realize that I'd have to try and socialize on my own and had no idea how ugly and awkward the other strange people there were going to be. It was 11:15 and I knew I had to give this thing a fair shake given the terrible situations I'd already endured leading up to it. I managed to make a few friends outside while trying to clear my head. I had a good conversation who two odd gay guys and a couple in their 40s that had been swinging for years, they seem like relatively well grounded people given the circumstances.
I came back up to the club level and found my date chatting with a fat guy in a trench coat, another ugly fat dominatrix girl, a tranny, and a short gay guy.
"Hey have a drink with me," I said pulling her into me. "I feel a little out of place here."
"Why? Isn't it fun?!" she said smiling.
"I'm not sure about fun, but it is interesting and very different. I feel out of place. Maybe I'm just not dressed the part? I thought there would be more people or maybe just more better looking people." I said with a raised voice pointing at a guy wearing a diaper.
"We're going to be here for a while." She said, "Maybe you should have worn something more kinky?"
"I mean I could go shirtless, but I'm not sure that's really the way it works in here."
"Go for it," she said with a grin.
I glanced around and unbuttoned my shirt and slid it off then pulled my white tang top over my head. "I hope I don't attract the wrong kind of attention in my new outfit," I said looking at the tranny who was now staring deeply at me.
"I'm sure it's fine!" She yelled into my ear over the music.
I got our drinks and tried to walk into the into the dull conversation with her and her odd friends without any luck. Instead of leaning in to try and hear over the annoying electronica music I just began people watching instead. If this were a bar or even a house party I'd probably would have left long ago due to lack of talent and abundance of boring, unattractive, and people. There were still only about 25 people there and nothing worth looking at besides the girl I came to meet. What was more interesting was that few people were dancing and the vast majority of the people were standing in groups of two or three.
"Let's go!" I hear as she grabs my arm and we walk with the entire group to the empty dance floor.
"Here, hold my drink." She said pushing the drink into my hand and turning her back to me to face the fat dominatrix female friend.
I have never been nor will never be, "that guy." I'm not a cup holder. And I'm not the guy that sits and watches other people have fun with the person I have dibs on. It's not like I'm the jealous type, I just don't take a back seat role in social situations. I'm not going to sit around and look pitiful in the hopes that my date might remember I'm still here when she gets thirsty. I was starting to get bothered. I took a few large gulps from her drink then put it down on top of the speaker.
Scanning the room for potential sources of entertainment, I came up with nothing. I can ordinarily pick out the needle in the haystack but this time it wasn't going to happen. The 40 and up creepy crowd had began eying the girls on the dance floor in a very pervy manor and a few other weird looking gothic people had closer to get a better look. I made a few attempts to get a conversation going with the people around me with absolutely no success.
"How many of these have you been to?"
"Which one is your friend?"
"Do people normally not drink during these things?"
"Where's the after party?"
"Hey that's an interesting outfit, is this normal for a Friday?"
"Are you guys vampires that sparkle in the sun or douche bags that don't know how to meet normal women?"
These people are generally uninteresting people who don't have the social awareness or know-how to hold conversations in normal bars. The few blips of conversation I did get into were more of a bragging contest with fat chicks about how "kinky" they really were. Something about a fat chick bragging about being tied up a lot is just not appealing. I wanted to say, "If you spent so much time being tied up how is it that you've seemingly been able to locate food so easily?"
Eventually I placed my nearly empty drink beside hers on the speaker and walked up to my date on the dance floor.
"I was hoping we could dance at some point." I say pressing closer to her and cutting the fat girl out of the circle.
I've never been a bad dancer and I know I'm good at making people look sleezy; so it wasn't hard to impress the lame audience. We danced for one odd hardcore rock songs and once it ended the DJ put on something that nobody could really move to so the area cleared out relatively quickly.
By the time we stepped away from the dance area my date and her fat ugly dominatrix friend had already began talking again. After I stood around for a while longer, I decided I wasn't going to try and make anymore conversation with the weird people around me due to my last failed attempt. I found my jacket and grabbed the last miniature bottle of whiskey out of the breast pocket and headed outside for a smoke break.
It was starting to get late and I was getting frustrated. I'm a conversationalist when I go out. I don't have to be the center of attention, I just enjoy genuine conversation that goes somewhere. I had a reasonably decent conversation over the span of three hours the first time this girl and I hung out and now I've had maybe the accumulation of 10 minutes. Furthermore, I was getting tired and the alcohol wasn't making me more social anymore, I was just getting more drunk. I could tell when I started to slur my words, but shortly after trying to talk to one of the guys outside I knew in my mind that I'd had enough. I had a decision to make. If I stayed I might be able to sort this one out and do my best to have fun for the remaining time we were there. If I told my date I wanted to leave now, she might tell me to walk back to the metro alone and think of me as a poor sport. But seeing as how my date had driven, if I were able to charm her enough I might be able to convince her to leave now so I wouldn't have to walk back through the ghetto and I could potentially get laid when we got back to her place.
This party wasn't getting any better and it wasn't getting any earlier. It was already 1:45 AM.
I went back inside and found her on the dance floor with a slim but ugly girl with fake dragon wings on her back.
"Hey, how do you feel about getting out of here?" I said in her as best I could without slurring.
"You smell like smoke, gross." She said reeling back.
"Thanks. I had to find an activity that allowed me to engage people. I was getting bored of walking around silently like most of the other people. There's nothing cool about seeing the same fat people mill around every 5 minutes while you're doing the same thing." I said with some conviction.
She was not amused. "I'm not leaving. The metro is only four blocks away. I am under no circumstances having sex with you tonight." She proclaimed.
"Wait what?!" I shouted. "I've done my best to be a team player here. I've never been to one of these before. This isn't my zone. I've tried very hard to enjoy myself but I haven't really been able to talk to you for more than a few seconds at a time. At least let me ride with you back to Northern Virginia."
"Well who's fault is that, you kept leaving for smoke breaks." She touted.
"Well yeah, I didn't have much in common with these people and it's not as though they have anything interesting to say. I chose something nice for our second date so that we both could have fun and be comfortable and this was a far cry from what I wanted. I am not comfortable here." I said putting my hands hips and giving her strong eye contact.
"Well first off, this is not a date." She started,"I don't know where you got that idea. Second, we can do the lounge/dance thing next weekend."
"How is this not a date? Wait- What?!" I said appalled. "Listen I really just don't want to do that walk back to the metro and besides I'd rather not miss the train if it's avoidable."
"I'm not having sex with you, Sasha (the fat dominatrix) and I are going to McDonalds anyways. We can hang out next week. Would you like that?" She said glancing behind her at the dance floor looking at her fat friend Sasha who was waiting impatiently.
"No, this has been a big mistake." I said looking her up and down. "I'm not being unreasonable here, I've come way out of my comfort zone to show you I'm not afraid to do anything but this has been a disaster. This place sucks. I've had an awful time."
"Then why did you even come in the first place? Why didn't you just say no?" She said throwing her hands up.
"Because I assumed you were trying to test my level of openness. Women are idiots and do shit like this all the time!" I exclaimed!
"Are you drunk?" She said looking at me like a slob.
"Of course I am? How else am I supposed to enjoy something as lame as this?" I shouted again half grinning.
"Figures," she said. "Well I'm still not giving you a ride."
"I really wanted you to turn out normal," I mumbled as she watched me walk over to grab my coat. "Enjoy all of this!" I yelled walking out while making grand motions towards the fat trannys standing by the door as if to say, "go fuck this guy!"
There was no turning back and once on the street I knew had a limited amount of time to get to the train because they would surely stop running soon. Looking at my GPS, I decided to stick with well lit main roads on my walking route to the metro station. There's absolutely no reason to end this night in a bad way if I don't have to. I got about a block away when I spotted a familiar sign. Sidewalk closed to pedestrians, detour this way."
I didn't have time to try and figure out a new route and certainly didn't want to deal with the abandoned warehouse area again if I could avoid it. So I decided to ignore the sign and hoped that I could somehow manage to make to the other side regardless of whether or not the sidewalk would allow for it. I went around the blocked sidewalk area I soon found myself stepping over used hypodermic needles on a closed poorly lit sidewalk near a highway over pass. The further I got along, the more I questioned my initial decision. Once realizing I'd have to walk into on-coming traffic to get to the New York ave metro I made the hard decision of going back the way I came. As I turned around I suddenly noticed two shadowy figures stepping onto the sidewalk ahead of me.
"Hey man, give me $5 dollars" called out a drunk crackhead. His fat bum friend followed behind him. Expecting me to pay up as I walked closer, I tried to circumvent them by using the standard line, "I don't have any money." As I went to side step around them, the crackhead and his friend mirrored my angle. "Give me five bucks," crowed the man through his missing and blackened teeth. I was fed up and drunk. I didn't need this, not now. Without much hesitation I shifted my weight and threw a hard right into his chest. A loud hollow "THUD!" echoed in the air for moment. The man fell backwards onto his butt as I squared off with my fists up and eyed his friend.
The fat bum took two big steps back both arms up in the air and said, "Hey that's ok man." I turned and hurried my pace, I knew I only had a few minutes left to catch the last train out of NE or I'd have a whole new category of problems to come.
I power-walked past all the commotion of a few ghetto clubs getting out and made it all the way to the metro station. I ran up to the booth next to the turnstiles, "Has the last train left yet?" I exclaimed.
"That's it right now, you might be able to catch it," the old man said pointing upwards. I looked up to see the train pulling away from the station as it heading into the tunnel ahead.
"Yeah thanks." I said turning to stare at a vacant street.
I would eventually chase down a cab that would bring me back to Arlington, Virginia for $45. It was one of those deep inner analysis car rides where you question how many decisions you could make that would lead you to encounter so many odd circumstances all in one night. When he dropped me off, I lit up a cigarette in disbelief of the entire experience. Then I remembered a friend had invited me bowling that night. Can you really imagine how mundane my life would be if I gave up an evening like tonight for something safe, plain, and predictable. "No thanks." I said out-loud flicking my cigarette into the street. "I'll take my chances with road less traveled."
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