Line etiquette

I left Happy Hour and stopped by CVS in Ballston Mall after about 5 beers. I was in line for the self checkout behind one guy and had one person behind me. A fat older middle eastern lady ambles up with 4 pringles cans and a bar of soap and steps in front of me.

"I believe we've got a bit of a line here," I say loudly.

Stunned at first, she stutters for a moment while somewhat flustered. "Oh, uh-Yes, I was over there," she says turning halfway towards me then points to the empty checkout area where nobody is currently working at any of the registers. "You can go over there." She says turning her back to me.


I put on my best game show voice, "Well that's a rather unrealistic idea. Are you fucking kidding ?" I say cocking my head slightly to the side with a bit of raised eyebrow. "See that's not exactly how it works." She turns around and glares at me. "I understand that nobody is working those registers, but you've just managed to walk in front of me and this gentleman and we're clearly already waiting in this line." I say using very exaggerated gestures and almost dancing while pointing to the guy behind me who wants nothing to do with my argument over principal.

The lady stares at me and looks confused, "But there isn't anyone over there?"

"Indeed. And yet here we are," I say rocking back and forth from heel to toe and gesturing as though I have somehow appeared out of thin air.

She looks back and forth between the closed check out lines , the self checkout, myself, and the guy behind me with a look that says, "information overload."

"Clearly you're in a bigger hurry than everyone else in this store and perhaps this entire mall. Hell even the state!" I say with heavy sarcasm and giving a slow motion elbow towards the guy behind me.

"Yes, I am thank you." The lady said with a relieved tone that suggested I was being serious.

I start laughing, "Well fuck a duck."

"Did you really think that a woman who doesn't understand line-etiquette would have any idea how to interpret sarcasm?" the guy behind me said with a big grin.

The woman took about 5 minutes to figure out how to navigate the only working self check-out machine while I patiently waited and made idle chit chat with the guy behind me. When she was all finished she turned and thanked me.

"No, no!" I said, "Thank you! and enjoy those 4 pringles cans and bar of soap." I said with a wink and a smile.

"Oh," She said smiling- unaware of my sarcasm, "thank you."