"My Tummy Hurts."

Sometimes timing is everything. I firmly believe that we are so often victims of circumstance rather than choosing how or what we want to do. For example, if Elvis had been born ten years later or ten years earlier, then he'd likely just be some no-name guy living out in the middle of Tennessee. I enjoy the role that random chance has in my life. I think part of the reason I've managed to stay single for so long can be attributed to the fact that big moments of change tend to creep into my life just as I'm starting to get to know someone.

When I was 22, I took a semester to go to school abroad in England. It was a wonderful experience. Looking back on it, it may have been the happiest time in my life. in fact, once I arrived home, I had a new found sense of "self."

I had only stepped off my plane a mere two hours earlier and I was already heading to a party at a friends house. I couldn't wait to share my experiences and see all my old friends I hadn't talked with in nearly three months. Upon arrival, I was nearly overwhelmed with all the reuniting celebrations and shots to make up for lost time.

After working my way around the house to all the different areas of the house I stumbled onto a cute brunette girl named Kirsten. She had light brown eyes, straightened chestnut brown hair, and tight little body. Her sense of humor and overall pleasant demeanor was very infectious. We instantly clicked, that night we stayed up talking until nearly 5:00 AM, just talking! I was really impressed with her. She was rather dumb, but besides that she had everything I was looking for; personality, looks, good listener, sweet, etc.

We even waited until we had gone on a handful of really great dates before we had sex. A second rarity with me. After going out together for the fourth week in a row, I was already starting to wonder if it was time for me hang up the old single life-style for a taste of something "regular." It certainly felt like it was heading that direction.

It was a Wednesday like any other. I had hinted to Kirsten over the weekend when we hung out that I was hoping to do a dinner and a movie thing with her that night. I sent her a simple text firming up our plans and said I would be heading over to pick her up as soon as I got dressed.

"I don't know, my tummy hurts." I received in response.

I was a little puzzled by this because we had text back and forth about our plans; this was the first I had heard of her being ill. I had also really been looking forward to showing her a good time. I decided to call her.

I placed the call and learned back in my computer chair. "Hello?" She said answering, sounding perfectly normal.

"Hey, are you ok?" I say with a genuine tone of concern.

"Oh, Yeah." She said plainly. "I've just had stomach issues all day and I think I'm over-reacting."

"Alright," I said a little empathetically, "I was really kind of looking forward to this. I understand if you're not feeling well enough. Are you feeling well enough to come out to dinner?"

"Yeah, she said. It's not that bad. It's a light stomach ache and it's pretty much gone." She said.

I put on my over the top bachelor voice, "Well I know it's not from a certain Aunt flow visiting because that was nearly two weeks ago. Take some pepto and let's get together!"

"It's not a bid deal, I'm fine. Really." She said playfully, "I want to see you tonight. When are you coming to pick me up?"

After a little more flirting, I told her I'd be there in about 20 minutes and headed her direction.

Once I arrived, I greeted her at the door with a hug and kiss. I did the entire gentlemanly thing where I opened her door for her then ran around the front of the car and got in. I started my truck and began driving to the trendy Chinese place.

I'm a big fan of full disclosure. I'm aware that bodily functions are a part of everyone's day-to-day. That being said, I'm not grossed out to find out that someone spent the day shitting out their liver because they ate bad seafood or something. In fact, that's actually funny to me.

"SO!" I said turning to her giving her a funny little grin. "What happened with your stomach. Is it any better?"

"Ugh!" She exclaimed laughing. "Nothing it's not a big deal."

I start to laugh, "well, if it's not a big deal then why did you almost let it ruin a perfectly good Wednesday night date? Is it bloody diarrhea or something? What are we talking about here?" I ask.

"Ew!" She shouts looking at me. "No, it's nothing like that."

"Ok, well I'm a grown up." I say winking at her.

"Do you really want to know?" She says wincing a bit.

"Yeah, I can handle it." I say rolling my eyes while staying focused on driving.

"Ok, " She takes a deep breath, "So I went to a house party at my friends place last night and I started having sex with this guy and the condom slipped off. So I had to get the morning after pill. And my tummy has been hurting ever since."

"WAIT WHAT?!" I shouted turning my head glaring at her.

"It's not a big deal." she says surprised that I'm upset.

"Are you fucking serious?!" "You're joking right?"

She looks at me innocently and slowly shrugs.

"What the fuck Kirsten? I've been taking you out on dates?!" I yell completely shocked and appalled.

She looks out the window, "Well if I knew this was going to be a problem, I wouldn't have told you."

Checking my mirrors, "I'm taking you back home." I announce firmly while getting into the left turning lane as we approach the traffic light ahead.

"No, wait." She says confused. "Just drive, we can talk about this. Why are you mad?"

"What fucking planet do you live on?" I come to a stop at the red light and turn to look at her. "Normal people don't do this! I've been taking you out and showing you a good time; You're out fucking other dudes!"

Confused and on the defensive, she looks flustered, "Well I didn't know we exclusive."

"What a fucking joke you are." I say shaking my head turning my eyes towards to the road trying to will the light to change to green.

"I can make this up to you." She says in a much softer tone. "I even had a huge surprise planned for us tonight instead of doing the movie. Now everything is ruined."

My eyes shifted back towards her, "What kind of surprise?"

"I'm supposed to be house-sitting my neighbors place. They're like super rich and have a really huge house with an outdoor hot tub, a deluxe shower, and a California king size bed. I'm supposed to be house sitting for them until they get back."

The turning arrow light turns green.

I inhale and perse my lips knowing that a moral decision has been laid out in front of me. On the one hand, I have the option to take a high ground on this one. I could say "no," and base it on a matter of principal. If I choose to take the mature route I will end up giving a speech about character and her lack of human qualities as I drop her off.

Or; I can choose to displace that anger in the form of sex. If I allow for the indiscretion to be considered "a momentary lapse in judgement, a mulligan, incidental, accident,etc." I'll not only get laid but also have the option of never talking to her afterwards. I'll also have the chance to rail out a slut in an expensive hot tub outdoors while breathing in the cool crisp December air.

I pause for a moment, "I'm not even that hungry, how close is the house?"

Kirsten smiled. "Not far."

I shake my head as I turn on some music then cracked a smirk, "You better believe I'm going to fuck the inconsiderate-retard-slut out of you."

"You better." She said rubbing my knee.