That's two strikes

I met this cute girl one night during an adventure out in Fairfax, Va on a Tuesday. I was 23 and was having drinks at one of my regular bars named, "Pj Skidoos." On this particular night, the bar was less crowded and as the night got started I began to take notice of two girls sitting opposite of me across the bar.

I downed a few beers with friends as I kept an eye on them for the first hour. It appeared that they had come to enjoy one another's company while looking around to see what kind of male suitors the bar for might produce. After I exchanged a few elongated glances at the cuter one of the two, I motioned for them to come join me on the other side of the bar. The two girls looked at each other and laughed then began whispering to each other. A moment later they motioned for me to come join them. I smiled, finished my beer, and told my boys to come join me in a minute or two.

Once I got over to them, I threw on some charm and made with some quick introductions followed by an offering of shots. We took a round of shots together and I started to get to know them. They were room mates and were both 21 year old students at George Mason University. The cute one was named Corine and the other girl turned out to be Corine's room mate; clearly the the goal-keeping, mother-hen, cock-blocking friend. My friends soon came over and joined us at the girl's side of the bar. As I continued to charm Corine, the dialogue progressed into what we looked for in the opposite sex. She explained what she was looking for and then asked me what I wanted in a girl. "Something like you. So long as you can dance, that would be a deal breaker." I said winking and laughing.

Within minutes Corine and I took to the nearly empty dance floor and began dancing up a storm while one of my other friends occupied the room mate.

As the night progressed Corine and I hit it off quite well. We made-out for a while off to the side of the dance floor as we caught our breath from dancing for nearly thirty minutes straight. We took a cigarette break together and exchanged phone numbers. My friends had been helpful in keeping the cock-blocking friend away long enough for me to at least plant the seed of interest. I was intrigued to by this girl and opted to hold off on attempting to seal the deal that evening. Seeing as how I had work in the morning it wouldn't make much sense to do try anything that night anyway. I looked at it as setting myself up for an assist on a slam dunk during date number two.

Corine and I ended up making plans to see each other the upcoming Friday at a different bar in same the area. When Friday came around I was really excited to see her again. We picked right up where we left off on our second date. I was impressed with the conversation, her sense of humor was refreshing, and both of us were getting drunk rather quickly. In mid-conversation she stopped me and asked, "Would you like to see my apartment? It's like a mile away."

I almost choked on my tongue. "Um, so long as I can crash there, I'd love to take a look at your place."

After waiting nearly forever to get the bartenders attention I flipped him my card and waited patiently struggling to fill the silence with Corine. I asked her a number of questions that probably seemed extremely mundane trying to fill the void of waiting for this fuck-head to get me closed out so I could be all over this girl at her place.
"Do you have assigned parking?"
"Was that place your first choice?"
"When does the lease run out?"
"Have you gotten to know your neighbors?"
"Do you ever throw parties?"

I was starting to sweat when I finally got my card. I scribbled in a shitty tip and hit the road.

I followed her in my truck the short distance back to her place and found parking. We barely got up to the front of her building as a lull in conversation hit and we both caught each other checking one another out. We were barely inside the door before we both grabbed for each other. No words were spoken as shoes and clothing began flying off. We shuffled our way to her bedroom where the lights were already off. She pounced on top of me as we fell onto her bed.

I was already shirtless as I sat up slightly and undid her bra while she straddled me. I dragged my fingers over her body and as she began unbuttoning my jeans. She shifted her weight and rolled me on top of her and I went to work kissing her neck and working my way down towards her waistline. She was in great shape and had a really well put together body. "Fantastic body Corine," I said as I kissed my way further down her body.

"Aw thanks" She giggled, "You're not so bad yourself."

Contrary to popular belief, guys like hearing compliments from women in the bedroom as well. I'd say for every ten compliments I give, I'll maybe receive one and it's some bullshit like "You're a fast walker."

I'm sure for most women it doesn't occur to them that guys need any type of mental reinforcement or ego boost or perhaps it's not a woman's job to be complimentary. But sometimes it's nice to know that you're mildly impressed or even just complacent with the shape I'm in. If I spend six-plus hours in the gym every week and resist all the natural built-in urges to eat shit-food regularly, it's nice hear something like, "you've got a really nice body."

I unbuttoned her tight jeans and slid them downwards towards her knees. I slowly moved my hand below the ridge of her underwear. My thumb rests on the elastic of her underwear as my fingers straighten out and slide further downwards and suddenly I flinch and pause.

What is this steel wool? Bird's nest? Some type of awful piratical joke. She had a massive bush.

I recoiled my arm and slid off to the side while propping up to rest on my elbow for second. My initial thought, "there's no way in hell I'm even going to mess with that."

My mind starts racing. Do I say something to her? She has to have realized I've stopped my forward progress, what should I do to act like this is normal. I began tracing circles with my fingers over her stomach while I attempted to figure it out. This was bullshit. I had put in all this work just to deal with THIS! How do I say "You've got a huge fucking gross bush and I can't believe you allowed me to get to this point before I found out?"

I didn't want to believe it, everything else had gone off without a hitch, this is the type of thing I would consider a deal breaker. I've had a hairy one or two in my past before and it's not even remotely pleasurable. I get nothing out of it. Especially in a room where it's really dark I feel like I'm hooking up with some kind of animal or maybe someone wearing a really strange disguise.

I began to realize this had messed up my rhythm. In the natural order of foreplay I'd using go down there and do some work, but there was absolutely no way I'm putting my face down there, it would be like kissing a man with beard.

She worked her jeans all the way off and rubbed her legs against mine.

Fight or flight was about to kick in. I needed to decide if I was going to hit eject in a really awkward and humiliating way or bite the bullet and take one for the team. "Maybe I felt something that wasn't there, my finger was only down there for a fraction of a second. Perhaps I'd made a mistake." I said to myself.

I worked my way upwards and started kissing and caressing her body. I reset my hand drifted my fingers towards her waistline. I was trembling when my finger were met with dense long coarse hairs. I pushed a little further and was blown away by this thing. This could very well have been the biggest bush I'd ever encountered. It's not my thing, I don't understand why a women living in an industrialized nation in this day in age would event want to put up withing having something like that. It didn't make sense, she was a really attractive girl yet this was so counter to everything else I had experienced leading up to it. I was perplexed by the idea, why would you have this? Defense mechanism? Extra padding? Warmth in the winter? I don't know how to operate in that type of environment.

I was furious and tempted to say something but I bite my lip. "You can do this!" I said to myself. "You'll be mad at yourself if you don't just go with it."

Once more, pulled my hand out and continued slinking my way down her waist without removing her underwear as I lightly drag my fingernails across her ribs in a swirling zig-zag motion and as I continued to get lower on her body. My head was now past her crotch and I began to gently kiss her the inside of her lower thighs. It wasn't until I was heading back upwards that I was hit by a waft of a strong moldy "feminine odor." I recoil back a bit and peer upward at her crotch through the shadows and the dim street lighting spilling through window shades. I could see pubic hair poking outside of the underwear on all directions.

Inconceivable. That's two strikes. I probably could deal with the bush but add the overwhelming odors and we've got ourselves a nightmare.

I moved back up north and continued to kiss her as I weighed the pros and cons of the situation. I was on a serious dry spell, I hadn't been laid in nearly a month and truthfully I was really into this girl's sense of adventure, wit, and aesthetics (with clothes on). Although she may have blown all of these for lack of hygiene.


But I didn't count on being subjected to some cruel sexual version of Sophie's choice. I'm quite frankly grossed out by anything short of perfect in that area of a woman. This was a surprisingly tough decision. But even if I decided to pass, did I even know how to hit eject?

I convinced myself once again to persevere, although I vowed that I would mention something to her about it later. I began rubbing the outside of her underwear while trying to think of a the best course of action.

I still had a chance to flip this thing into a blow job then not reciprocate over matter of principle and I could of course explain why I wouldn't be putting my face in that if she insisted. I would have no problem having that dialogue because I would have already gotten my rocks off and there would be no mood to kill. Maybe I could spin the whole thing as me being a great guy, like I'd rather get a blow job now and wait until we have a deeper connection before sex. Then I could also tell her to clean up that mess prior to that event and everybody walks away a winner. Just as I was about to request a blow job she suddenly pulled me in close and said, "I want you to fuck me."

My face turned bright red, not because I was embarrassed by that type of bedroom rhetoric, but because I really didn't want to put any part of my near that messy taco.

"Can you warm me up with a blow job?" I asked confidently.

"Seems to me like you're ready to go" she said grabbing my penis through my jeans.

Dammit. I had to think fast, I knew even the view of the huge hairy mess even in dimmed lighting would be an instant boner-killer. In a moment of what I thought was sheer brilliance, I whispered, "How about doggie-style?"

"Sure!" She said sitting up and excitedly kicking her underwear off.

She got over to the edge of the bed and I got up behind her and place my hand on over her bush and was sickened by the sensation. It felt like she was sporting a box of tangled fishing line hanging down from her vagina and going all the up to the crack of her ass. I almost laughed as I tried to maneuver just my hands to the right places but I somehow I kept my composure. At that point I was there for the story that would soon follow not even as much the victory of a new notch on the belt and resetting that internal how-long-has-it-been-since-the-last-time-I-had-sex timer.

As the act of sex began, I paused to think, "well maybe this isn't so bad."


That was just before the smell hit me. Wafts of salty, sour odors, filled the air and began stinging my nose. She seemed to be having fun while I was starting to gag. I searched for a shirt to cover my nose but couldn't see anything in the poorly lit room. I tried breathing out of my mouth and that helped very little as my eyes began to water.



To my credit I stuck it out till the end and we both eventually got our rocks off.

I asked her if we could shower right afterwards and she thought nothing of it as she tossed me a towel and I followed her into the bathroom. At that point, I was just glad that I wouldn't have to worry about being followed by all the stray dogs in the neighborhood when I left in the morning (kidding).

Ordinarily the story would end here, but due to a dating slump I kept this girl around for a little longer.

She and I actually went on a handful of dates after that night. I've said it once and I'll say it again, I'm a fan of full disclosure. Shortly after our first sexual encounter I would ask her to shave everything and make an attempt to "get the area right" before we hung out again via text. She claimed that her ex-boyfriend had enjoyed the "natural" look down there and she hadn't had sex in nearly nine months since their break up so that would explain what I had found. She didn't have any response to the overwhelming oders. We continued to see each other for a number of dates after that, she was a lot fun but the sexual side of things was becoming too hard to overcome. I found out our third date that she didn't do oral sex and even if she "cleaned up down there" I wasn't able to get over the smells she "naturally" put off.

I stopped talking to her for a handful of weeks because she didn't ever want to spend money to go out anywhere and I was getting tired of paying for everything on every date. She never seemed to have any money even though she worked a lot and was always buying clothes. One night we were laying around at her house and we began to talk about money woes. I explained that I used to get drunk infront of a webcam had gotten donations my freshman year when I used to cam at the fraternity house after parties. She perked up when I said couples make decent money if the right people donated while they watched.

Although she appeared skeptical at first, she tilted her head sidways and said, "Sounds like fun, I'd give that a shot, but my laptop is broken."

I had loaned my old laptop to my dad and threw out the idea of dragging my old webcam with it from my house in Vienna. She was all in, shortly thereafter we were back at her apartment in Fairfax with a big bottle of wine, my old laptop, my webcam, and a big shit eating grin on my face. She opened the wine and poured two large glasses while I began to set us up to cam on the bed in her room. I plugged everything in and it became evident very quickly that something was wrong.

I hadn't used that lap top in months but I remember it being rather temperamental before I gave it to my dad. Removing the battery, hitting a number of different keys, and even shaking it produced no results; it was obvious my laptop wasn't going to work.

"Are you sure your lap top is broken?" I asked Corine

"Yeah, if it wasn't broken I wouldn't have to go to the library every day to get my work done." she said slumping her shoulders with a cute sad face.

"Who's lap top is on that desk in the kitchen?" I asked with a smirk.

"That's my room mates, but she doesn't really like me using it."

"Really." I said getting up to take a sip of wine from my glass, "is she home?"

Karina paused and twisted a lock of hair around her finger, "I think she's on a date," she said with a bit of a playful smile.

"Ok, let's use hers." I said shrugging my shoulders while placing my glass of wine on her night stand and unplugging the usb webcam.

"Well only if she doesn't find out." Corine says sheepishly.

"It'll be fine! She won't find out." I say laughing gesturing towards the door while taking her hand.

Moments later we fired up the room mates laptop in the kitchen and I had the webcam up and running. I sat in a metal folding chair with Corine on my lap as we started to down glasses of wine while searching through different CAM sites. Within a few minutes we were streaming live footage, canoodling on camera, and chatting with other people online.

The experience can be a big self esteem boost if you ask me. Corine's last relationship was with a guy that constantly put her down and made her feel like she was worthless; a real douchebag. The whole thing had left her somewhat insecure/slightly broken. So she wasn't quite ready for all of the incredibly nice and endearing comments people began to make.

The interesting thing about these "caming" sites is that most people write genuinely sweet and surprisingly nice things in a attempt to spur a dialogue with an attractive stranger. This is actually done in an effort to cure their own loneliness by eliciting some type positive response from whoever they're talking to (me and Corine) on the other side of the screen. But if some people like making other people smile... and get naked... seems like an overall win-win to me.

Over the next couple hours corine and I laughed as people showered us with compliments and requests while we sipped sweet red wine in our underwear pausing at moments to kiss and sometimes dance with Pandora radio playing in the background. We were having a blast and often times laughing hysterically nearly spilling the wine everywhere. We took breaks every twenty minutes or so to smoke cigarettes outside on her back porch. During our short cigarette breaks we either danced or held each other close and blew plumes of smoke into the cool December air. We were having a really good time with each other just giggling about the hilarity and non-nonsensical goofy-fun-nature of our night and what it had turned into.

The whole thing was rather harmless but still it had a little hint of voyeuristic ludeness as we were both in our underwear and kissing on cam intermittently. Somehow we lost track of time and just as we had finished off our last sips of wine, when suddenly the door flung partially open as it caught on its chain latch. Corine's room mate had came home earlier than we expected.

"Oh shit!" Corine said laughing and trying to whisper, "My room mate is home."

"No big deal" I said smiling and winking while closing out all the windows on the computer and unplugging the webcam.

"Why is this locked?" Shouts the fat drunk room mate from behind the door.

I watch Corine throw on my sweatshirt and signal for me to go into her room. I grabbed my webcam and sweat pants and scampered off to her room as she undid the lock to let her room mate in.

"What were you guys doing?" She asks loudly as she got into the apartment. "Were you on my computer?"

Corine fumbles, "We were just... having fun, hanging out-nothing."

Silence followed as I hear the room mate approach her lap top in the kitchen; a long pause.

"The fuck!?" the room mate screamed. She must have accessed the browser history... sneaky bitch.

"What the fuck?!" She squealed again, I've got to play damage control as I can tell Corine has no idea how to handle this.

I was in the process of putting my sweatpants on and looking for my shirt in Corine's room when I heard, "You guys were watching porn on my laptop!? That's sick, THAT'S SICK! Are you kidding me?"

I dashed out into the hallway and sprung into the kitchen.

"Ok settle down," I say entering the kitchen pulling my sweat shirt down and smiling in a goofy fashion while looking at Corines sloppy fat room mate who was now practically hyperventilating and was bright red. Corine cowered off to the side of the living room.

"You're sick," She yelled at me, "there's something wrong with you!" she shouted as she walked towards me.

I started to laugh more. "Alright, settle down. Let's be adults here. We were just having a little fun, no reason to get your panties in bunch."

"I told you this guy was a perv." She shrieked, "this is illegal, I should report you to the police, what you're doing is disgusting and it's against the law."

"Wait, what are we talking about?" I ask rhetorically, "What is it that you think we were doing. We're not fucking minors or animals. We were using my webcam on that computer. We weren't even naked, relax. You have no idea whats going on here and you're making misinformed accusations."

"Get the fuck out of my house asshole" she screams. coming towards me in an aggressive way.

I straighted up, "this is getting out of hand, calm down; if you touch me, I will defend myself." She stopped, "Now, I'm willing to sit down and have a grown up conversation with you, but you're acting like an immature brat throwing fit. We were just having a little fun on the webcam, it's not a big deal. I'm sorry we were using your laptop. It's not like we fucked on your bed or in the kitchen for that matter? Quite frankly whatever we were doing is none of your business."

The fat girls face got even more red. She turned her head and glared at Corine who was speechless, "Corine, this is illegal! I want this dirtbag out of our apartment right NOOOOOOWWWWWW. Right now! Right NOOOOW!" She screamed out at the top of her lungs as she grabbed her lap top and headed towards her room.

"Hey don't yell at her like that you fat little shit!" I said raising my voice. "We can talk this out like adults. You don't have a clue what went on here and you have no right to come in and start trying to judging either of us. Besides, I've been drinking, and I'm not in any position to be driving anywhere. Just because you want to throw a child-like hissy fit after you've had a bad date doesn't mean other people should be forced to have a bad night and put up with your displaced anger."

She turned before going into her room at the end of the hall, "If you're not gone in the next five minutes, I'll have my guy friends come over and they'll remove you for me, fucking pervert." She slammed her door. "I knew he was disgusting!"

I walked over to Corine who was now expressionless. She had remained pretty much speechless for the entire scenario. "Well that was a normal reaction. Are you ok?" I asked putting my hands on her elbows.

Corine mumbled a few words kept with the spacing out act as I heard the room mate screaming more from behind her door.

"So Mom, so get this! Corine and that weird fucking guy she's been dating were watching porn on my lap in our kitchen while I was gone." The fat room mate swings the door open ambles out into the common area while on the phone with her mom.

"Are you fucking kidding?" I say glaring at this girl parading around the apartment ignoring me and regaling the past two minutes on the phone in front of Corine and I in an attempt to make the situation more awkward.

I grab Corine's hand while she's still in an embarrassed-catatonic state and led her back to her bedroom. I shut the door behind us as Corine laid down on her bed still expressionless.

"Can we both agree this is stupid, Your room mate is being a huge cunt, you didn't do anything wrong here. We were having fun and everything was great until your room mate came in and turned it into something else and then proceeded to make it weird. I have no desire to have a dialogue with your irrational friend at this time. You didn't do anything wrong, just relax. This isn't a big deal." I said to Corine as her room mate stomped around still throwing a tantrum in the kitchen with her mom on the phone.

"I never should have let you talk me into any of this." She finally said in monotone.

"Wait What? We didn't rob a bank? Seriously, this is not a big deal. Nothing wrong has been done here. Why is this a big deal? So what, we used her computer. I didn't jerk-it on her keyboard?"

She rolled over and softly said, "You should go."

I heard her fat friend raising hell and continuing to scream into the phone, "I know! Then he tries fight me in the kitchen and says he's not leaving... I know right?!"

"Look, I'm not even going to pretend this is an issue. Your friend is clearly on a different planet, listen-" I say tilting Corine's face to look at me. "I can't leave you here otherwise that chick is going to pour poison in your ear for the remainder of the night after she continues this stupid little guilt tirade. I'll be made into the devil before I even get out of your neighborhood."

"I don't know what to think." She rolls her eyes and turns away again.

"How the fuck did this happen? We were having fun and can still have fun," I said laughing. "Are you sure you want me to leave?"

She let out a big sigh.

"Corine, It makes the situation far less complicated if I remove you from it and we go elsewhere. Let this loony bitch cool off for a little. I know one of my friends is having people over tonight. It's only 11:30, we can still get there with plenty of time to make a night of it. I'd feel terrible if I left you alone with that screwball who's still yelling on the phone in there. This whole situation will be hilarious tomorrow, let's make a run for it while we still can, shall we?" I said standing up and smiling at her.

She sits up and says, "No, I have to side with her. She's my room mate."

I didn't even know what to say. I didn't foresee anything good coming out of trying to re-salvage the situation. I wasn't in the mood to stick around and have a brawl with her room mates guy friends and If Corine wasn't going to stand-up for herself much less for me, then there's no chance I would want to continue anything with her after this evening anyway. We got caught in a slightly embarrassing situation, big deal. Accept that you were using your friends laptop for something that she didn't approve of, assert yourself, and move-on. It's just too bad because we really were having a good time.

This would be the last time I'd hang out with Corine at that house if I left alone. Judging by her room mates lack of maturity in this situation, I'd imagine she would surely be against me coming back for any future visits; and seeing little Corine asserted herself; there was no chance of a disscussion on the matter ever taking place between the two of them. I was still living at home at the time so there wasn't much of a future for us to meeting up in private. It would probably be for the best, I had already set in motion my plans for moving to Southern California and would be there within a month anyway. I didn't have the energy to put into something that I was only going to be able to enjoy for a few more weeks.

I blew all the air out of my chest in disappointment and sat on the edge of the bed putting my shoes on. "I guess I'll see you around then. You don't have to choose one or the other on this one. Come with me and we'll let this thing cool off."

Silence.

I got up and grabbed my laptop, webcam, and sweat shirt. I said nothing as I walked out of Corines room and past her room mate who was still on the phone, now in the living room. As soon as I shut the door behind me I heard every lock being turned and fastened followed by Corine's room mate yelling from behind the door, "Corine are you fucking kidding? Are you seriously kidding me?!"

I laughed to myself as I pulled the last cigarette out of my pack. I got to my truck and headed ten minutes down the road to a friends house. I pulled up and saw a group of my old friends through the window in the front of the house playing beer pong in their living room. I pushed open the door and said, "Gentlemen, have I got a story for you." Thunderous laughter followed as I stepped inside and someone flipped me a can of Natural light.

I wouldn't end up hearing from Corine until nearly 2 years later, but that's another story altogether... "Ordinarily the story would end here, but I kept this girl around for a little longer."